In Dreams

I have no shame in admitting that I went to see the new Michael Bay-produced Nightmare on Elm Street because I was hoping to see a flash of Kellan Lutz’s beyond-hot abs.

Imagine my disappointment when I realized the boy was in the unnecessary flick only to pull a Drew Barrymore and offer no skin shot of the sort.

Urgh.

To add insult to visual injury, there is absolutely nothing new – expect, of course, for Oscar nominee Jackie Earle Haley (Little Children, Watchmen) wearing the Freddy Krueger striped sweater and knived glove instead of Robert Englund – in this remake of the 1984 classic, so I’m going to keep it brief.

A group of suburban teenagers – including Veronica Mars alumnus Kyle Gallner, Rooney Mara, and Melrose Place Queen Bitch Katie Cassidy – are being stalked in dreams by the horribly disfigured Krueger (you know how he got that way, the subtext of yore be darned, so let’s keep moving).

One by one, Krueger is taking them out, blood-spatting-style, in their sleep.

They don’t know why (at first), blah, blah, blah, how will they stop him, blah, blah, yawn.

This movie’s sooo…dumb, I guess would be the right word. Not because, yeah, we’ve seen it all before, but because it’s unnervingly lazy. Little to no effort was put into refreshing the plot (doing away with the unsaid of before does not apply), or infusing it with a surprise or two for those who saw the original way back when (or bits and pieces of it on TV like yours truly).

Haley is a adequately creepy and effective replacement for Englund, but he’s majorly stunted by a script that lacks any genuine chills?

Seriously, though: What was the point of bothering with this one? If you’re late with your spring cleaning, I suggest you skip this veritable nightmare and get.

My Rating *1/2

Photo: Warner Bros.