Vrooom, Vroom...Six Times a Vroom!

This past Memorial Day weekend I was part of the...lots of people that helped drive Justin Lin’s Fast & Furious 6 into its bona fides as a massive worldwide hit (to the tune of almost $260 million).

For fun, I figured I’d feign worry going into the movie theater because I’d never seen any of the previous installments in this unstoppable franchise – to be honest, I just didn’t feel appealed to it: too stunt-y, too T&A-y. Why spend my jack on ’em, right?

So, even though I was definitely gonna go see it (the plan was to catch up on Netflix, but the Netflix that I get in Peru doesn’t have all the chapters I needed – #fail), I wondered would I get anything of what was going on?

Tongue planted firmly in cheek, natch.

I was assured that, much like with, say, porn, I could jump in at any time and not feel terribly lost. Indeed, imagine my pleasant surprise when, after an opening scene that quickly reminded me of everything these movies are about – hella pretty outlaws, driving beyond-fast cars, usually through breathtaking locales – I did, in fact, have a pretty good grasp on the story so far.

S---, I thought, there is a story. These dumb movies aren’t pure mindless fun, they actually have plots, albeit clunky, stiffly written ones. Oh, and look, a prologue that nicely establishes the, dare I say, mythology surrounding this fast and furious folk.

How nice. Great.

Fast & Furious 6 opens with former street racer Dom (Vin Diesel, who, OK, is not hella pretty but rather, very, very watchable) and former cop Brian (Paul Walker), two former at-odds turned friends. Nay, family. They are making good on their promise to give up “the life,” sitting pretty – and in Walker’s case, sooo pretty (that dude is gorge) – in the most idyllically sun-lit corner of Spain, thanks to the millions they walked away from Rio with in the last movie.

They’re still driving their cars, but like, for fun now...for things like getting Brian to his wife Mia (Dom’s sister) in time for the birth of their baby, a.k.a. the final nail in the coffin of “the life.”

Ah, but old habits will die hard, as Dom finds out after Agent Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) tracks him down, asking for help (but not really asking ’cause, you know, Hobbs is played by The friggin’ Rock) in taking down a team of mercenary drivers who have caused mayhem in about a dozen countries.

Dom, of course, explains he and his crew are out of “the life,” which is when Hobbs sweetens the deal with a sweet, sweet cherry: they help him capture this bad guy named Shaw (Luke Evans), they get Letty back (Michelle Rodriguez).

Wait, wait, hold up. But Letty is dead! It was right there in the prologue. Guess not.

Fast & Furious 6 may as well be subtitled For the Girl because like, no big duh at all, Dom and Brian & Co. (their crew includes return players Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Sung Kang, and the beautiful and badass Gal Gadot) obviously get back in their cars to save the day and their friend. ’Cause Letty must be acting under duress, right?

Mmmaybe. But that’s enough plot – you don’t go to these movies for that, you go for the action, and this one delivers it in incredibly fashion.

There are awesome chases – and races – through the streets of London and on a Spanish highway – featuring a f---ing tank! – and mano-a-mano fights that are breathlessly ridikolous, all of which culminate on a beyond-incredibly climax on the longest airplane runway in the world (seriously, that sucker is like, interminable!), followed by an epilogue (!) that both defies metaphysics and sets up the next movie som’in’ cool.

It is all a heckuva lot of fun, and I am glad I finally hopped onto the ride – and that Hollywood banked on Evans as an actioner (the actor reportedly has gone back in the closet since coming out in 2002, an unfortunate move that like, his believability in this bad-guy role should help reverse).

Anyway, bring on Fast & Furious 7!

What? You are? Hell, if y’all promise not to break anything, give into Diesel’s wish and film the dumb thing in Peru.

My Rating ***

Photo: Universal Pictures.