Oh, M...Oh, Miami

So I know what I’m getting Madonna for the holidays: a f---in’ watch.

Look, I love my Queen like, in ways that cannot be good for me.

The woman is phenomenal. She’s fun. An individual. And a ball-buster who, at 54, still can dance and sing, get up, and do her thing better than most of the little bitches half her age.

But M can’t tell time. Or, maybe – since she’s about 30 years into a massively successful career – she just won’t acknowledge it anymore.

’Cause girlfriend was three and a half hours late to her first of two nights in Miami, the last American stop of her “MDNA Tour” – and the Magic City wa’n’t having it.

And you know what, I get it. I’m a sinner and I like it her way, but I get it.

What could have been som’in’ cute or edgy or whathaveya, at some point in Madonna’s career, just wasn’t last night, and it certainly didn’t cut it. The thought crossed my mind that maybe she was being kept waiting, too, by a special guest like, say, Lady GaGa, and that that bitch-monster was keeping M on simma because of that business of mashing up “Born This Way” into “Express Yourself.” And then I thought that, had I’d know she intended to get the party started in what for many was the wee hours, I coulda been home, I dunno, watching Titanic. Or I coulda ordered an appetizer with my dinner, and a third drink.

Miami was rightfully pissed, and its booing only got louder as the clock ticked closer to midnight. Yo – I was getting testy. Paul Oakenfold (pictured here) did a hell of a good job fluffing the crowd, but not long after he finished his set, the energy began to dwindle and, unless you were a Golden Triangle Bitch or yours truly (truly!), you probably had lost your M boner by the time the girl finally decided she’d go wild.

I mean, it was a Monday night. People have families, jobs to report to this morning. I know it was well after all-grown Rocco Ritchie’s not-so-strict-huh bedtime (but if he, with his funky white-boy moves, and his mom can stay up and enjoy themselves...).

The point is for someone who likes to take pride in never taking her fans for granted, Madonna sure didn’t act like it.

Naughty Queen.

Shame, too, because the Miami shows are being recorded for the DVD of the tour. You know you’re deep in the hole when neither “Vogue” or “Like a Prayer” can get an entire arena full of people get up on their feet. I could tell M was happy to be back in her old neck of the woods (she said as much), but, dayum, she sure wasn’t feeling Miami’s L-U-V (she hinted as much). And it threw her a little there toward the end.

I’ve seen enough of her shows to know when she’s on book and when she’s not. She’s not much for interacting with the fans, throw a little shout here, one there.... She did that a few times last night. It was as if she was trying to re-ingratiate herself. And then – this is how I knew she was off her game – she missed a cue to reenter the stage for “I’m Addicted.”

That’s major. Yikes.

Which brings me to an important question: WTF was the matter with you last night, Miami?

I have never been more embarrassed to call you home. The section where I was sitting acting the fool doing my thing was sleep central. Ridikolous. Who goes to a Madonna concert to just sit there, anyway. That’s some bulls---.

I can only speak for myself and my Queen (and her fawesome boobs) when I say we were there to have a good time. I have a strict no sitting down policy when it comes to my worship at the Church of M, and once service started, I let M-D-N-A take over.

So to the folks sitting like bitch-ass punks behind me, sorry you didn't have fun – I hear a DVD of the concert is in the works, you fat cows. Oh, and to the f---er who put his hand on me, don’t ever do that to anyone again – and, y’all, c’mon, don’t throw cups and napkins balls at people. We're not in junior high school anymore, and, uh, that’s assault. (Had one of those hit me after the hand incident, my friend, who was popping her M-in-concert cherry, woulda seen som’in’ fierce.)

There was a simple solution to those idiots’ predicament – they coulda stood up and joined the celebration.

So tonight, as the Queen takes the stage when she finally does and the cameras are rolling, make some noise, Miami.

Don't just sit there...get to it. She wants to take you there, so enjoy.

Update: I think Madonna totally should add “Superstar” to her set list. That song would fit nicely in the second, two-song section of the concert.