Forever with a Vampire

I am so not a Twihard, so the frenzy over The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 is not something I’m like, a part of, you know.

I mean, you read my review of Twilight, right? And that of The Twilight Saga: New Moon?

Yeah, I skipped the third entry in the series, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, during its theatrical run, but I have caught up with that little cinematic gem on cable and, don’t worry...I got it.

What I don’t get, however, is the appeal of these characters and this so-called epic love story.

More like a major snoozefest. (Urgh, that wooden writing and that paper-thin character development.... More on that in a bit.)

That Bella Swan chick Kristen Stewart plays with the most aggroying affectations ever committed to film is a morose psychological mess. She’s completely ridikolous. And her boyfriend, the gentleman-y vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson)? Urgh, what a little manipulative s---.

Their whole romance is so push-pull it’s totally codependent (said it once, will say it again: Buffy and Angel they ain’t, and they never will be). I mean, alright, she can’t be with him because she’s human, but, wait, he won’t turn her unless they marry? What...a tease.

It’s also dangerous for the two to be together because, as we’ve seen in previous installments of this lucrative franchise, they have bad vamps opposed to their relationship, not to mention Bella’s BFF Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) is a werewolf (so, natch, an enemy of Edward’s) and like, totally in love with her, and, thus, a doormat.

Then, Bella and Edward finally do marry in this first part – good for you, Hollywood – of the final movie based on Stephenie Meyer's books, in a ceremony what will surely and sickeningly be imitated by impressionable tweens and young and not-so-young adults everywhere, but Edward won’t do Bella. Not yet, and not until they can both live forever.

Seriously?

It’s just not safe for her, since she’s still mortal and bruisable.

Bella, though, wants to feel what it’s like to make love for the first time, so, as teased in previews, they do it. The bed-busting scene is kept anticlimactically unprovocative since dollars are to be made, but it serves to remind us that sex leads to complications.

The main conflict of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 is that Bella gets – Spoiler Alert! – preggers.

Gasp, right?

Not.

Since Bella’s still a human, and the hybrid, “miracle” baby is growing super-fast and consuming her from the inside (vamp jizz is, evidently, way more potent than tiger blood, for such a pregancy is rather rare), her happy ending with Edward is like, completely in jeopardy, as is the Cullen clan’s safety as word spreads among the wolves that the baby is coming (they are not happy).

The whole event is far from a happy one, and brings an unforeseen and shocking development for Jacob (that should so be examined by a licensed professional).

Bill Condon, the helmer behind Dreamgirls, directs The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, so the project has a hint of good pedigree, you know, but there’s so much the guy can do to really make this one a palatable offering for someone like me...someone who desperately wanted to buy into the hype.

Unfortunately, an per tradition, Melissa Rosenberg’s screenplay simply sucks.

Not much in this widely successful, MTV Movie Award-winning series has proven memorable or fathomable, IMHO. I understand Meyer’s source material is not the best, either, but that doesn’t excuse churning out movies that are less than didactic.

Bella, Edward, and Jacob make love look dumb.

My Rating **

Photo: Summit Entertainment.