Torn

I’m not into the so-called “Twilight Saga,” so the opening of The Twilight Saga: New Moon is less of an event for me as it is for some of you.

The movie franchise based on the Stephenie Meyer books doesn’t interest me – I find it inferior to, say, anything Joss Whedon ever dreamed up, and honestly, I think of it as quite puzzling and borderline upsetting.

The story is rather simple and appealing (on paper): Teenaged girl Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart, the most reluctant movie star I’ve ever seen) moves to a new town, meets brooding vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), the dreamiest of them all – that is, natch, in last year‘s first installment – they fall in love, find it a forbidden situation…and make it work.

Cut to New Moon, the second entry in what is to be an aggroying series of movie and an even more eh series of tab covers chronicling the hookups and whatevs of its central cast.

In this long-awaited and expertly marketed, slightly better second chapter, the romance between the mortal and the vampire soars to a new level as Bella delves deeper into the mysteries of the supernatural world she yearns to become a part of (seriously...more on that slice of dysfunction in a hot sec) – only to find herself in greater peril than ever before.

Early into the movie, directed by Chris Weitz (The Golden Compass), who takes over Catherine Hardwicke (whom I think delivered a so-so movie and made her actors looked sloppy), Edward dumps Bella, to protect her, sending her down a rabbit hole of depression and disappointment.

Having said that, he appears before her whenever she finds herself in dangerous situations (a total mind-f---, no?), which is something he kinda sorta made her promise she’d avoid, which in turns makes her seek the thrill of peril even more…y’ know, so he will appear to her and all.

This brings her closer and closer to a childhood BFF named Jacob (a beefed-up Taylor Lautner, looking annoying as hell and in serious need of a burger he’s so shitless and ripped up all the time), a boy harboring a secret of his own.

Spoiler Alert! He’s a werewolf.

Bella, a friend of Jacob’s says, is “good with weird,” which to me, I must say gathering from the movies so far, means she has some issues/fetishes she needs to look at but quick.

I mean, she’s head-over-heels in love with a dead guy, who dumps her unceremoniously, and then she’s attracted to a beast, and totally worst of all, saddled with a cheestastic mythology and dialogue that feels more alienating than inviting. (The fact that Stewart looks completely over the whole thing only makes matters worse.)

Note to the screenwriter in charge of this stuff: Keep the story disconnects in mind. I didn’t read the books – sorry…I so am not a 13-year-old girl. You can’t just like, glance over important details about the characters. And not to nitpick, but I think there is a giant plot hole in the whole Bella-goes-to-Italy sequence, and it involves Edward being able to feel her coming, which is something I thought he could do.

But whatever.

The central conflict of New Moon lies in the distance between Bella and Edward, and how it affects her relationships with those around her, and how it tears her between her one true love and her options.

Which brings me to the question: Am I on Team Edward or on Team Jacob?

To which I say I’m not on either. If I had to pick, I’d say I was on Team Jane.

Jane is one of the Volturi, a powerful, organized coven of vampires who enforce the laws of their world. She’s way more interesting than anyone else.

She’s a deadly little thing, and I cannot wait to see more of her. It’s a real shame she makes her appearance in the last act of the movie, for she, as played by Dakota Fanning, enlivens the movie so.

I’ll say this much: New Moon is a much better offering than Twilight, but it still had me yawning and bored.

My hope is that this franchise will turn out to be the sort that needs to be watched in sequence, y’ know…all four chapters in a row. The next one, Eclipse, is due out next summer.

Today’s offering certainly didn’t thrill me. But it intrigued me. So I’m willing to come around just as long as it doesn’t totally suck the fun out of me any more than it has, or make me roll my eyes.

My Rating **1/2

Photo: Summit Entertainment.