Rendezvous with a Vampire

For months I’ve heard about Twilight this, Twilight that – the book club I joined earlier last summer even tried to get me to read the Stephenie Meyer best-seller upon which the Catherine Hardwicke-directed movie is based. (It didn’t happen.)

Today, Twilight is a blockbuster – uh duh – and I want a refund.

I knew only a few things going in to see the movie: The book and its follow-ups, about the forbidden love between a teenaged girl and a beautiful vampire, have a cult following that is quite passionate; the movie’s star, Robert Pattinson, would break through with the force of millions of adoring fans; and regardless of anything I or anyone else has to do say it, the movie will be huge.

But this one, I’m afraid, is just for Twilighters (a.k.a. fans of the book), of for audience members who, I don’t know, have never watched a single episode of TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

If that’s you, then this movie’s for you.

Kristen Stewart (Panic Room, Into the Wild) plays Bella Swan, the aforementioned teenaged girl. She has always been a little different, an outcast, if you will, at her Phoenix high school.

After her mother re-marries, she goes to live with her estranged father in rainy Forks, Wash., where she doesn’t expect much of anything to change. Strangely, though, she manages to pocket her entire class upon arrival, and catch the eye of the mysterious Edward Cullen (Pattinson), a boy unlike any she’s ever met.

Edward, you see, is a vampire, but he and his family don’t feed on humans. But Bella has awoken in him a stirring feeling of protectiveness and love, a…thirst that scares him. She, too, is different than any girl he’s ever met.

The two are inevitably drawn to each other, and soon are swept up in a romance that is as thrilling as it unconventional.

Naturally, their struggles are different that those of your average rom-drama – Edward and Bella have to deal with keeping their desires in check, with family, and with the dangers of their relationship (Cam Gigandet, I’m looking at you and the rippedness you bring to the movie as the villain vampire James).

But, really, the only great things about Twilight are the names of its protagonists. I’d see anything with characters named Edward and Bella – except for this again. I was a teenager once, one who grew up enjoying the hyper-awareness and hyper-articulateness of the BtVS and Dawson’s Creek set. Hardwicke gave us Thirteen, so I know she understands teen angst. But Meyer lays on it too thick, you know.

So I refuse to believe that Twilight, with its cheestastic dialogue and visuals, is as “epic” as an ad I saw over the weekend would have me believe.

It’s a “pop culture phenomenon,” indeed, but I’ve seen better than this. I know he’s been there and done that, but Joss Whedon should’ve taken a stab at it.

As I said, though, nothing I say about the movie matters – the sequel’s a go already, and a New Moon will rise soon.

My Rating **1/2

Photo: USAToday.com.