Nasty Little Swimmers

How does someone begin to review Piranha 3D?

Someone...does not do such a thing.

There’s no need. The movie’s already gotten a sequel greenlit, and the people who definitely wanted to see it probably already have seen it.

I wanted to see it (camp is hard to pass on)...but then again I didn’t, really, and now that I have I remember exactly why: It just wa’n’t ever gonna be worth it.

This so-called “B movie” is so shamelessly so, it should be thought of as more of a Z movie. And that’s being kind. There is absolutely no redeeming quality to it, but then again that is the point. That is Piranha 3D’s whole raison d’être and the ground upon one should review it. Or attempt to.

The movie’s a salute to the original Piranha movies of decades gone by set during Spring Break in and around sleepy Lake Victoria – all of which should clue you in right there as to the T&Astasticness of its story.

The cast includes Elizabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Steven R. McQueen (TV’s The Vampire Diaries), Gossip Girl’s Jessica Szohr, Ving Rhames, and a maybe-going-full-frontal-ish Jerry O’Connell, who sprinkles his scenes with lots of cheese before gamely chomping on ’em with gusto.

Some of these folks make it to the end credits, most of them make it to the bellies of scores of prehistoric man-eating razor-toothed fish. There is gore galore in this one, btw. Ridikolous amounts of it.

Yet all keep their dignities intact at the end of the day and the movie they’re in on the joke.

And so, if you like this kind of completely mindless entertainment, then Piranha 3D is exactly what you need as the summer season officially winds down. No matter what James Cameron has to say about it.

My Rating **1/2

Photo: The Weinstein Company.