3...2...Bore!

There are no gay people in New Year’s Eve’s New York City.

There are hardly any black folks, either. And no Jews that I could tell...or Asians. And that is just some bull.

In fact, Garry Marshall’s star-studded, non-sequel follow-up to Valentine’s Day is a pretty white movie, and, even worse, it’s a pretty bad, cliché-ridden one about a group of New Yorkers making their way through their lives and loves over the course of one packed Dec. 31.

And that’s just an egregious shame considering the talent assembled for this oh-so-boring party.

I mean, the cast that Marshall has put together reads like the RSVP list to Vanity Fair’s Oscar party: There’s Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Biel playing different roles than the ones they had in the Feb. 14-themed flick. Which is kinda silly – I mean, surely, there are other actors in Hollywood who woulda loved the paycheck.

Ha!

(Kutcher, btw, plays a NYE-hatin’ downtown hipster-type, while Biel portrays a super-preggers woman who, egged on by her hubby played by SNL’s Seth Meyers, hopes to give birth to the first baby of the new year so they can pocket the cool 25 grand their hospital is offering up as a prize.)

There’s also Lea Michele, in what I believe is her first big-screen outing, giving her powerful pipes a workout as a back-up singer Kutcher befriends; and Sarah Jessica Parker as a divorced Radio City couturier clashing with her teen daughter (Abigail Breslin) over what to do for the big night.

(Speaking of Michele, I am so surprised she agreed to be in a movie that calls for a horse-drawn carriage, since she is so against that practice in real life.)

Michelle Pfeiffer simply shines through a dowdy wig in New Year’s Eve’s most intriguing thread, as a frustrated executive secretary tackling a list unfulfilled resolutions (that actually reads more like a bucket list) with the help of an oh-so-cute bike messenger (Zac Efron). Hilary Swank pops up as the a producer of the Times Square NYE show. And Robert De Niro plays a bitter terminal patient with a doozy of a final wish, while Halle Berry plays his nurse.

Katherine Heigl is a caterer – Bery was originally supposed to play the role, but she dropped out of the movie to fight her ex in court...only to come back on board later on – while Jon Bon Jovi plays the singer Heigl hates to (still) love. And – talk about your lazy writing – Sofia Vergara adds a dash of Latino flavor as Heigl’s sous chef, and is saddled with pulling a Gloria (y’ know, her character on TV’s Modern Family) and telling an “In my country...” joke.

Seriously.

For a movie that even found a use for Ryan Seacrest, I found it a bit insulting that New Year’s Eve wasn’t more inclusive. Or charming.

It’s not a fun party unless we can all have a gay ol’ time, no? If you know what I mean.

It just doesn’t ring true.

My Rating *1/2

Photo: Warner Bros.