Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

There’s a lot riding on Burlesque – and I don’t just mean the thongs up the dancers’ fannies.

For one, the movie marks the big-screen debut of Christina Aguilera, the powerhouse-voiced diva who’s gone from Mouseketeer to pop princess to dirrty girl to jazzy pin-up to, now, actress. And for two, it marks the return to the medium, in a headlining capacity, of the one and only Cher.

That sound you hear is that of 10 percent of the population, give or take, having a massive gaygasm.

Too bad that sound is way more exciting than most anything that happens on screen in this musical mess.

Oof, that came out harsher than I wanted it to.

Burlesque isn’t so bad, but it’s not as good as it should’ve been considering the cast it boasts (joining Cher and Aguilera are the invaluable Stanley Tucci, the underused Kristen Bell, and the oh-so-handsome Cam Gigandet and Eric Dane).

Aguilera plays Ali, a girl from Iowa who hops on a one-way-ticket bus for Los Angeles – lest her talents go forever unnoticed – with nothing but a couple of bags, very little money, and her big dreams of making it in Tinseltown.

When she gets there, she quickly hits the looking-for-a-job trail, ultimately stumbling upon the Burlesque Lounge, a not-so-hot-anymore spot with “the best view on the Sunset Strip” that Cher’s Tess owns and operates.

The club is like this glittery mecca for Ali, who may come from a small town but has big-city moxie. Determined to stay and make things happen for herself there, she chats up cute bartender Jack (Gigandet), who points her in the direction of the big boss, who turns her down for a job in the club’s cast of dancer. Undeterred, Ali picks up a tray and starts waiting tables.

That’s the Iowa way, I guess.

Ali proves she wants to be there, that she’ll do whatever it takes to earn a chance at the spotlight. She doesn’t make a lot of friends along the way, though. Sure, she’s got Jack on her side (who looks at her with the dreamiest eyes and takes her in as a platonic roommate, for he’s engaged, after her place gets burgled), and Tess’ gay BFF Sean (Tucci) also has taken a likin’ to her, but not the club’s queen bee Nikki (Bell) or the other girls.

Anyway, when the time to audition finally comes, she takes it and proves she’s got what it takes. She’s on her way up the ladder, but the joint’s on its way down. Tess is having major financial problems – banks want to get paid, a pushy developer (Dane) wants to buy her out, but she refuses to sell.

Meanwhile, Ali is pushing Tess to let her sing, pitching her the idea that live performances over lip-synched ones are the way to go, without much luck. Eventually, the former gets yet another opportunity to prove herself, impressing the latter so much she decides to build the shows around her and her tremendous voice. This could be what turns everything around.

Teasetastic, yet lukewarm number after teasetastic, yet lukewarm number, the club resurges, but it’s not quite enough. Deadlines are looming, but Ali...that girl gets yet another go at proving just what a resource she is and saves the day yet again.

Unfortunately, Burlesque, much like Aguilera (who does a fine job in her maiden cinematic voyage), only comes truly alive during the musical numbers, which after a while grow old because of their samesyness.

By the end of the flick, you will have clapped for some of it (and for ever fabulous Cher!), genuinely enjoyed some scenes (like the one involving Gigandet and a big box of cookies), but, ultimately, thought this one could’ve used a little more work.

My Rating **1/2

Photo: Screen Gems.